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Folk Implosion
Like I am drifting from the shore…..
So ya things fucking suck my balls. News from home- no good. No good at all. So much pain; So much aggression. I was told that I was the lucky one. I don't have the \”temper\”, I don't feel anger the way my brothers do. Ah, but there is a catch. I have the depression. See kids, there is nothing that I can do to help matters at this point, it is out of my reach. But the old wop mentality, that old sense of family respect shows forth. I have to try and do something, before things get out of hand again. We don't need that happening. Not that many of you know what I am talking about. It goes deep into my past, many memories flood forth, long since repressed. The cards I have been dealt over the years, have not been stacked in my favor, nor will they ever be on my side. This I have accepted. But the tears I cry tonight, are not of my own doing. My little brother. Man he is still so little to me. He is 17 now, yet I still remember getting called out of class when he was only 5 because he just would start crying in the middle of the day. Divorce scared him big time. And he does not see it. He is on a road to ruin, and maybe I could have done something. Maybe if I had been easier on him, or maybe if I was harder on him…..
So many maybes in life, So few things set in stone. Something has to be done. I have to do something. My mom, although not my favorite person in the world at times, she does not deserve that stress. Not again. I mean My older brother did a number on her, so many years ago. And I did not help the matter. When I moved away, I cut all ties. I resent that. Now I have to make it right. There is one thing in life that you will always have. Blood. Family. Lovers come and go. As do friends. but blood is always there. Whether you want it or not. I am reminded tonight, of my childhood. Not that it was that long ago, but times then had so many less worries. So many less doubts. Summer was the best. So free spirited, so fun. Me and Derek man. Me and The Big D. He is family too. He always has been. He is always there. And for the first time in my life, I am proud of him. He is making things right in his life, creating something out of nothing. He is my best friend and I love him very very much. I miss him a lot. But when I need him he is there. He is changing a great deal, and I think that with what he has backing him up ( which is very little ) he makes it.
And maybe my little bro will see that. The three of us used to spend a lot of time together, but now have all gone our different ways. But I know what he is going through. I know how it is to need to feel loved so bad that you would disrespect, disavow, disown your blood. I know how that is. And I know how much of a mistake that can be. I hope to try and make him understand that. I want him to know that he doesn't have to hate me, neither does my older brother. They don't have to resent me cause I left the drama of Elmira, the drama of the Buzzetti family. I am still there brother, I still love them. and I do miss them. We are so distant now. We used to take care of each other, now we rarely talk. Its funny how time changes people. But one thing remains. To my three brothers, Pete, Matt and Derek, as you were for me, I am here for you. In whatever capacity you need me. I am reaching out here. I am trying to set things right.
My love life, and my life in general I can not control. But maybe with your help, maybe I can find my way again. Maybe we can make things right between us. I hope to god that we can. I think we all need each other right now.