buzzco.org

The Police
over worked
A lot has happened the past few weeks and I keep meaning to put down these thoughts. Anyway, this past weekend I made a little trip to Potsdam with The Hippy. I had to get some things from there, and I ended up spending the better part of the evening with Janelle on saturday. She is so cool. I really missed hanging out with her. I helped her out with some things and she was super thankful. Which is odd. Cause I thought it was the least I could do for her. See, when I first meant her, I was in one of the worse possible frames of mind. And she made it better. I don't really know how, or why, cause she is not the type of person that I usually fall for. But like I tried to tell her, she brought me so much joy at a time when my days were so very dark. I was kinda worried though, especially with drinking and whatnot with her. I guess I still like her and still hope that something happens. But I know that she dumped me, cause she was not ready for a boyfriend. So thats why I did not stay there. I don't know what, if anything would have happened, and I am sick of making people hate me cause I make mistakes. Thats not to say that spending the night with her is a mistake, or would have been I should say, cause thats not my point. My point is right now, I consider us good friends. And that is fine with me, but if something more were to happen, I guess I would need a little more assurance that it would last a little longer than the last time. I hope that doesnt make me sound bitter, cause I am not, just kind of shy now about that.
Everyone knows now that I am really anti-social. And that bothers some people. But I can feel that starting to change. I can feel myself healing. I started to think about different things now. I am happy with myself. I have learned a lot the past year. Whats really important to life. And some of that actually come from jealousy. Not that I want to admit that. See I have this friend, who to me has the perfect life. He has a wonderful wife, a great job and he is just a great person. Last week, I found out that he is like a born again Christian, and that really made me want to be him. Not only is his life on the right track, he had faith. He has hope. But then I started to realize that what he has is not unobtainable. Its not impossible for me to have those things. I just have to find my faith. I have to create hope.
I still have dreams about you Pooh Bear. Almost every night. I remember once, a long time ago you told me that you once had a dream in which I gave you the power to fly. This one dream I have, is a lot like that. Except you gave me the power to fly with you. And it was wonderful but when I wake up, you are no longer next to me. And not only have you moved on a forget me like the wretch I am, you are hundreds of miles away. Is there anything sadder than that??