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The Blood Brothers
Like a fallen leaf
Ugh. I didn't get home from school today till after 10. I ended up missing the IBM dinner because I had a stupid test which I aced in a half hour. I really hated the sight of clarkson today. I really did not want to be there. I know where I want to be. I know how I want to be. But as I was walking home… I crossed the river. Mind you it was 10 at night and dark out. The water was pitch black. It looked like it went down forever. It was serene. How I longed to be at the bottom. Underneath the waves, to sleep forever, alone and finally at peace. As I stood there, and watched myself fall deeper into the agenda of suicide, a feeling of stark revelation overcame me. If I were to choose that path, the path of the dark water, I could no longer here the music that I live for. If I slept for eternity at the bottom of the waves, I could not longer hold my stuff monkey. The monkey given to me so long ago by a girl who now has forgotten me. These things, the monkey and the music, these simple things keep me alive each day. Without them, I would be even less complete than I am now. I struggle to find meaning in each day, yet there is none. But with this objects of my affection I can make it through one day. And perhaps another. This whole page, these diary entries that I make public, are a means to an end. When I write down my thought, as ludicrous as they are, then tend to slowly loss there grip on me. So now, to regale to you the story of mind and heart.
I have followed my heart for many years now. I feel that at some point, it led me astray. It must have, otherwise I would not feel these things the way I feel them. My mind on the other hand, seems to follow through with whatever the hear tells it, only to spend the rest of the time second guessing each decision. My mind is logical, my heart is well hopeful to say the least. So, at this juncture of my life, they are arguing. My heart tells me to be romantic and do what feels good. My mind tells me that my heart is wrong in its judgment of it situation, and that I should rethink the entire thing. So, do I trust my heart, and set myself up for a fall? Or trust my mind and let things go? As I have spent every-waking minute thinking of this for a few days now, I leave you with this, something my cousin gave me. Trust his words, he is blood, he would kill for me

\”mistakes are the kind that long to be erased. we want to change what we are and be happy for once. yet it's like a mockery of life. so often we try to understand, but it's not our fault. if happiness only came so easily we'd never feel unwanted. we'd never wish for something so bad that it hurts. it leaves us in the dark, regretting all those times people told us we were ugly or stupid. all the times we felt nervous or out of place. we try hard to breathe in fresh air, but our lungs fill with smoke and darkness. pain is the only thing that reminds us that we're alive. any sort of happiness makes us numb. too cold to touch or hold. we are black and blue with broken bones. bleeding until death. dying until we can finally be free.\”
Chris Wood