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Longwave
Lazy
I went out for a drive with Derek tonight. It was short, but like always we talked about everything. It's nice to know that you have friends. When I got home, I happened to notice how brilliant the stars looked. It was very serene. I have been thinking about those stars a lot lately. I have been looking at them and wondering for year. So I think about my past, and my future. Something that I normally don't do, look to the future. See, my past has been around to haunt me. Pooh Bear is still in my thoughts and dreams reminding me that I will never be good enough for her. Erika I see on line, and reminds me of the bad mistakes that I made. And of course there is Janelle… whom I don't talk to anymore cause I am scared of making her hate me even more. And the Wang Gypsy… she just doesn't really care to speak to me when she is on line. But in a week, I will be in Poughkeepsie. I have graduated college. I have a job that pays me more money than my mom makes. I have a very bright future. I can leave all of that behind. And now, when I think of who I will be in six months, I can almost smile. My health is not horrible. My life is not horrible. I graduated college, after 11 long semesters. I can get through anything. I know what is important to me now. I know what matters. I have been through the hardships. I have loved and lost. I have done the alcoholism, and the drug use. But I am still here. I am still me. And, for now I have a friendship with Monkey Butter that could turn into something really great in the next few months.

I am worried about that thought. She came to visit me for a couple of days and we had a great time. Yet sometimes I feel like she is holding back on me. I can't really explain it or anything its just a feeling. See, she doesn't really like my past… I mean, who does. It is a source of friction between the two of us. But I don't think she feels as strongly towards me as I do to her. I am not ready to love, as I feel she isn't ready. She is worried that if this gets serious and ends, that she will hurt me. Those are roads that I do not think that should be looked down. Just my opinion. I am comfortable with what we have now, and there is potential growth there, but as always, a myriad of obstacles are before me. I have to get over that urge to fall into depression and become bitter and lonely if I am ever to give here a chance. I have to get the ideas of my love for Pooh Bear put deep within, because I know they will never die, but they do not need to be in my head as much as they are now. Its not fair to Monkey Butter. And I don't want to hurt her anymore than I have. I want her to be happy first and foremost. She has more potential than I do.

I hate life in Elmira. I am lazy and fat and I have become a glutton. I look forward to quitting smoking. I look forward to the gym. IBM has changed my life. They gave me a chance to become someone. I think though, that I will be come disconnected with my family here. But that all depends I suppose.

Let forever Be