buzzco.org

Fire Thief
Angry and Sad A duel crappy feeling
First off, a little background. I haven't seen Monkey Butter since the New Year. That is when she told me how much she cared. It had been three weeks almost. But since I got a new car, me and El Cheese drove to Potsdam on Friday after work. It was really nice to be with her again. It felt so cold in Potsdam… I can remember now how cold I had been the last year. My hands ached. But she made me feel warm amongst the bitter cold. I thought that it was time to set things straight with her. I don't like this game we are playing, not now that all of the cards are on the table. Yes, I am scared. Yes I don't know whats going to happen in May. But I felt up to the challenge. I felt up to tackle anything, so I took the plunge. Well, lets just say that it was a long dive into a short pool. In the end we left it as a maybe. So I am no better off than I was on Friday, except I made us both feel horrible. What I don't understand, is how she can be so upset about a choice that she made. Its not like its going to really change anything. Like I said to her, it doesn't not matter if we are dating, or married, or not talking when she gets out of school, if she gets a job in fucking Wisconsin then I am going to miss her. it does not matter our dating status. But I just wanted the chance to give it a try. I guess I was looking for a valid excuse for wanting to drive to Potsdam every weekend. Instead of any of that I got the reminder that this whole thing is temporary. I am on stand by waiting for my flight..,
So when I got home, after some 5 hours driving will the cheese sleep, all I wanted was a hug from her. Instead I listened to The Warming Sun and The Saddest Vacant Lot in the World by Granddaddy. Pictures of You by the Cure, Miss You off the new Blink album, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by the Anniversary, Can't Feel a Thing by Longwave, A Skeleton on Display by Now its Overhead, and Tomorrow I will be You by Thursday. I figured that would set me on the path to true enlightenment. But when Mark Hoppus opened that blink song… I was done. Every time. Juts puts me down. Makes me feel just something awful. (We can live like Jack and Sally)
I don't even know what to say to her now. I made her feel horrible because I wanted more from her. I understand why she said what she said. She is just being realistic. Realism is good. But somedays, I crave romance…